ROOM ONE
Participants enter a room imperfectly covered, floor to ceiling, in instructions.
Most are printed on plain white paper.
Some have fallen.
Others hang loose from the walls.
Instructions also appear through old televisions, books, magazines, advertisements, product manuals, customer service scripts, audio recordings, and hidden speakers.
Hundreds of voices overlap.
Popular music.
Pornographic audio.
Advertisements.
Dating advice.
Youtube content.
Luxury branding.
Workout instruction.
Reality television.
The room is impossible to finish reading.
Every surface gives instruction.
HOW TO PAY ATTENTION
HOW TO LISTEN
HOW TO DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD
HOW TO FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS
HOW TO PLAY BY THE RULES
HOW TO BREAK THEM ALL
HOW TO ASK QUESTIONS
HOW TO STOP ASKING
HOW TO PLAY
HOW TO LEARN
HOW TO STUDY
HOW TO CHEAT
HOW TO BORROW
HOW TO STEAL
HOW TO LIE
HOW TO TELL THE TRUTH
HOW TO MANIPULATE THE TRUTH
HOW TO EVADE THE TRUTH
HOW TO LOOK INNOCENT
HOW TO LOOK INNOCENT AFTER
HOW TO CREATE THE ILLUSION OF AUTHORITY
HOW TO CREATE THE ILLUSION OF EQUALITY
HOW TO RECOGNIZE INTELLIGENCE
HOW TO RECOGNIZE PERFORMANCE
HOW TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
HOW TO CONTROL A STICK
HOW TO LEARN RESTRAINT
HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR STROKE
HOW TO BUILD ENDURANCE
HOW TO MAINTAIN RHYTHM
HOW TO FIND THE RIGHT TEMPO
HOW TO KEEP IT UP FOR THE WHOLE SHOW
HOW TO THREAD A NEEDLE
HOW TO USE A WRENCH
HOW TO GUIDE A BRUSH
HOW TO KNOW WHAT’S WHAT
HOW TO USE A DRILL
HOW TO FIND A STUD
HOW TO KNOW WHAT'S LOAD-BEARING
HOW TO KNOW WHAT'S DECORATIVE
HOW TO OPEN A WALL
HOW TO SEE WHAT'S INSIDE
HOW TO KNOW WHAT YOU CAN REMOVE
HOW TO KNOW WHAT WILL COLLAPSE
HOW TO DEVELOP FINGER DEXTERITY
HOW TO ACQUIRE STRONG HANDS
HOW TO SEE THE MONEY IN PORCELAIN HANDS
HOW TO SHOW OFF YOUR CALLOUSED HANDS
HOW TO MAKE SOMEONE TRUST YOUR HANDS
HOW TO GUIDE SOMEONE WITH YOUR HANDS
HOW TO CONTROL SOMEONE WITH YOUR HANDS
HOW TO PUT POWER BEHIND YOUR HIPS
HOW TO PUT POWER BEHIND A FIST
HOW TO TAKE THE HIT
HOW TO ABSORB THE FORCE
HOW TO KNOW YOU CAN’T FIGHT BACK
HOW TO LOSE
HOW TO LOOK AT THE SCORE
HOW TO READ THE FORM
HOW TO STUDY THE STRUCTURE
HOW TO SEE IT EVERYWHERE
HOW TO LET GO OF CERTAINTY
HOW TO TRUST SILENCE
HOW TO USE BOREDOM
HOW TO LOOK BACK
HOW TO LOOK AGAIN
HOW TO FIND TOOLS IN THE INSTRUCTIONS THAT BECAME YOU
HOW TO HOLD THEM
HOW TO MANIPULATE INEXPERIENCE
HOW TO WEAPONIZE YOUR WEAKNESS
HOW TO WORK WITHOUT CONTROL
HOW TO THROW THE PUNCH BACK IN A DIFFERENT FORM
HOW TO PICK UP THE PHONE
HOW TO PART YOUR LIPS
HOW TO FOLLOW THE SCRIPT
HOW TO APOLOGIZE WITHOUT ADMITTING FAULT
HOW TO KEEP SOMEONE CALM
HOW TO KNOW WHAT THEY NEED BEFORE THEY DO
HOW TO MAKE THE PRODUCT FEEL LIKE THE ANSWER
HOW TO LISTEN FOR HESITATION
HOW TO FILL THE SILENCE
HOW TO KNOW WHEN SILENCE SELLS
HOW TO HANG UP
HOW TO DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN
HOW TO CAPTIVATE A ROOM
HOW TO TEST AN AUDIENCE
HOW TO TEASE AN AUDIENCE
HOW TO PLEASE AN AUDIENCE
HOW TO BECOME THEIR FANTASY
HOW TO MAINTAIN THE FANTASY
HOW TO SURVIVE THE FANTASY
HOW TO ESCAPE THE FANTASY
HOW TO REALIZE YOU DON'T WANT TO
HOW TO USE KNIVES
HOW TO CUT AN ONION
HOW TO BANDAGE A CUT
HOW TO KNOW HOW MUCH PRESSURE IS TOO MUCH FOR A DELICACY
HOW TO KNOW HOW MUCH PRESSURE IS TOO MUCH FOR A BODY
HOW TO WANT MORE ANYWAY
HOW TO GET BLOOD OUT OF WHITE SHEETS
HOW TO USE A SCALPEL
HOW TO OPEN A BODY
HOW TO TOUCH SOMETHING VITAL
HOW TO CLOSE IT UP
HOW TO HIDE FEAR
HOW TO TIE A GOOD KNOT
HOW TO UNTIE A GOOD KNOT
HOW TO KNOW WHEN TO CALL 911
HOW TO SAY NO
HOW TO COVER A BRUISE
HOW TO MAKE A BRUISE LOOK ACCIDENTAL
HOW TO LOOK SAFE
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE SAFE
HOW TO SHAPESHIFT
HOW TO FORGET YOUR ORIGINAL FORM
HOW TO CHANGE YOUR COSTUME
HOW TO APPEASE THE ROOM
HOW TO KNOW WHICH PARTS OF YOU ARE PERFORMANCE
HOW TO KNOW WHICH PARTS OF YOU PERFORM YOU
HOW TO KNOW WHAT TO SWALLOW
HOW TO KNOW WHAT TO SPIT OUT
HOW TO KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE ALREADY BECOME
HOW TO FIND BALANCE
HOW TO ADMIT YOU DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD
HOW TO REST
HOW TO ADMIT YOU'RE TIRED
HOW TO WINCE AT THE SOUND OF THE WORD.
HOW TO REALIZE YOU’VE BECOME THE OLDEST PERSON IN THE ROOM
HOW TO ACCEPT THAT IT’S ALL BECOME PREDICTABLE
HOW TO PERFORM EXCITEMENT WHEN YOU’RE BORED
HOW TO PLAY WITH BARBIES AFTER TRADING ALL YOUR DOLLS FOR KNIVES
HOW TO TOUCH A BODY SOFTLY
HOW TO LOVE A PEER
HOW TO LOVE A SPOUSE
HOW TO MATCH A SLOWER PACE
HOW TO SIT IN STILLNESS
HOW TO SHARE A LIFE
HOW TO SHARE A LIE
HOW TO SLEEP TOGETHER
HOW TO ONLY SLEEP
HOW TO WASH THE SHEETS
HOW TO REMAKE THE BED
HOW TO LET IT BE ENOUGH
HOW TO KNOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE
HOW TO FORGET EVERYTHING YOU LEARNED BEFORE
HOW TO SIT CORRECTLY
HOW TO BREATHE CORRECTLY
HOW TO GRIEVE CORRECTLY
HOW TO MAKE A LIFE
HOW TO MAKE A LIVING
HOW TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU’RE DOING IT RIGHT
HOW TO WONDER…
HOW TO STOP THAT THOUGHT
HOW TO LEARN SILENCE
HOW TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
HOW TO NOTICE WHEN DOMESTICITY HAS BECOME ASPHYXIATION
HOW TO HOP OVER THE WHITE PICKET FENCE
HOW TO PAUSE
HOW TO BREATHE IN
HOW TO LOOK AT THE ROAD AHEAD
HOW TO LOOK AT THE HOME BEHIND YOU
HOW TO RUN
HOW TO STAY AWAKE
HOW TO KEEP MOVING
HOW TO UNDERSTAND YOU CAN'T STOP
HOW TO UNDERSTAND IT’S A CHOICE
HOW TO UNDERSTAND IT’S A CHOICE YOU’LL MAKE AGAIN AND AGAIN
HOW TO WALK HOME
HOW TO PAUSE
HOW TO BREATHE IN
HOW TO OPEN THE DOOR
HOW TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH
HOW TO SPEAK AGAIN
HOW TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS MORE IN THE DARK
HOW TO ACCEPT THAT THEY SEE DANGER WHERE YOU SEE HOME
HOW TO DECIDE THAT THAT’S OKAY FOR TODAY
HOW TO ACCEPT THAT YOU FOLLOWED ALL THE INSTRUCTIONS YET THE PRODUCT STILL CAME OUT WRONG
HOW TO BECOME FLUENT IN FRENCH:
DON'T STUDY THE LANGUAGE.
WATCH.
LEARN WHAT THEY RESPOND TO.
HOW TO PLAY PRETEND:
WATCH SLEEPING BEAUTY.
LET IT KEEP YOU UP AT NIGHT.
PLAY EVERY ROLE.
PLAY THE DIRECTOR.
DON'T GROW OUT OF IT.
PRACTICE BECOMING EVERYONE.
LET IT BECOME YOU.
TELL YOUR MOTHER.
IT WASN'T JUST A PHASE.
HOW TO FABRICATE A HOME:
ANSWER THE PHONE.
SHE MENTIONS HOT FLASHES.
BRACE YOURSELF.
THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG,
BUT LIKELY LUCRATIVE,
CONVERSATION.
PAUSE.
CHANGE YOUR VOICE.
LET IT HAPPEN SLOWLY.
YOU'RE IN YOUR LATE FIFTIES.
YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH IT.
SHE'LL ASK FOR YOUR STORY.
MAKE ONE.
APOLOGIZE FOR THE BACKGROUND NOISE.
TELL HER YOU'RE WORKING FROM HOME.
YOUR HUSBAND'S HANGING SHELVES.
AGAIN.
YOUR DAUGHTER CALLED EARLIER.
SHE JUST TURNED THIRTY-FIVE.
SHE DOESN'T WANT CHILDREN.
SHE THINKS SHE'S FAT.
SHE'S STARTED WEARING BAGGY CLOTHES.
YOU MISS WHEN YOUR BODY LOOKED LIKE THAT.
SHE'LL MISS IT TOO.
SHE SAYS THERE'S STILL TIME.
YOU'RE NOT SO SURE.
YOU WANT GRANDCHILDREN.
LET HER WORRY ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER.
MENTION YOUR HOT FLASHES.
MENTION HOW SEX CHANGED.
TELL HER IT GETS BETTER.
PAUSE.
LET HER CRY.
DON'T INTERRUPT.
SHE BELIEVES YOU.
SHE'S NOT TALKING TO YOU.
SHE'S TALKING TO THE WOMAN SHE HOPES EXISTS.
BECOME HER.
HOW TO PERFORM LIFE EXPERIENCE:
ANSWER THE PHONE.
HE SOUNDS DISTRACTED.
HE ASKS IF YOU CAN HOLD ON.
WAIT.
A DOOR CLOSES.
WAIT.
HE APOLOGIZES.
HE LAUGHS.
JUST A LITTLE.
HE HASN'T ASKED A QUESTION YET.
LET HIM.
HE SAYS,
"ALRIGHT...
BE FRANK WITH ME.
DON'T SELL ME ON THIS."
HE MENTIONS HIS HAIRLINE.
HE WANTS A WOMAN'S OPINION.
BUT FIRST...
ARE YOU WORKING FROM HOME?
OR A CALL CENTER?
CAN ANYONE ELSE HEAR THIS?
SAY NO.
ASK HIM TO HOLD ON.
YOUR DAUGHTER JUST GOT HOME FROM SCHOOL.
FORGET TO PRESS MUTE.
ASK HER HOW HER DAY WAS.
TELL HER THERE'S PIZZA IN THE FRIDGE.
YOU'LL BE OFF IN AN HOUR.
THANK HIM FOR WAITING.
HE'LL ASK,
"HOW OLD ARE YOU?"
SAY FORTY-FOUR.
HE'LL ASK IF YOU THINK HE SHOULD SHAVE HIS HEAD.
TELL HIM YOU ALWAYS THOUGHT BALD MEN WERE MORE ATTRACTIVE.
THERE'S NO POINT HIDING WHAT'S ALREADY HAPPENING.
BESIDES,
THERE'S LESS HAIR TO CLEAN OUT OF THE DRAIN.
HE'LL LAUGH.
LAUGH TOO.
HE'LL GO QUIET.
USE THE SILENCE.
HE'LL ASK IF HE CAN ASK YOU SOMETHING PERSONAL.
SAY YES.
HE'LL TRY THREE DIFFERENT SENTENCES.
FINISH THE LAST ONE FOR HIM.
HE'LL ASK IF YOUR HUSBAND EVER USED THE PRODUCT.
PAUSE.
SAY "EX-HUSBAND."
HE'LL APOLOGIZE.
TELL HIM IT'S OKAY.
MAKE HIM ONE.
HE WAS A CONTRACTOR.
FIFTY-ONE.
HE STARTED LOSING HIS HAIR AT FORTY-FIVE.
IT DIDN'T BOTHER HIM.
UNTIL IT DID.
A FEW YEARS LATER,
THE BEDROOM CHANGED.
THAT'S WHEN HE STARTED USING THE PRODUCT.
HE'LL ASK IF YOU COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
PAUSE.
SAY,
"I COULD."
HE'LL GO QUIET.
HE'S LIVED LONG ENOUGH
TO DISTRUST MIRACLES.
DON'T SELL HIM ONE.
HE WANTS TO BELIEVE
NEXT YEAR
CAN LOOK LIKE THIS YEAR.
HE'S NOT TALKING TO YOU.
HE'S TALKING TO THE WOMAN HE HOPES EXISTS.
BECOME HER.
HOW TO MANUFACTURE SOUND:
RELAX.
HAVE A GOOD TIME.
BREATHE.
BREATHE HARDER NOW.
LET YOUR JAW DROP.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
NOT THAT MUCH.
JUST ENOUGH.
PERFECT.
NOW THROW YOUR HEAD BACK.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
ARCH YOUR BACK.
MAKE A SOUND.
LOUDER.
NOT THAT LOUD.
LESS LIKE A CARICATURE.
MORE INEVITABLE.
WAIT FOR IT...
ALRIGHT.
LET’S WIND HER UP AGAIN.
START SLOW.
BUILD.
BUILD.
BUILD.
STEADY.
ONE AND
TWO AND
THREE
AND...
LET GO.
NOW BREATHE.
SLOWER.
SOFTER.
NOW FADE OUT.
THERE WE GO.
THAT I CAN WORK WITH.
LOWER THE LEVEL.
REMOVE THE PEAK.
BETTER.
CUT THE BREATH AT THE BEGINNING.
LEAVE THE ONE AT THE END.
PLAY IT BACK.
SOLO THE VOICE.
MUTE THE ROOM.
LISTEN AGAIN.
STOP.
STOP.
STOP.
CAN I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?
I NEED MORE.
DARLING.
PLEASE.
ASK YOURSELF:
WHAT ARE YOU FEELING?
IS IT PLEASURE?
IS IT PAIN?
OR IS IT PERFORMANCE?
YOU MUST KNOW.
CAN’T YOU HEAR THE DIFFERENCE?
IT DOESN’T MATTER.
GIVE ME ONE.
OR ALL OF THEM.
JUST PICK SOMETHING.
MAKE A DECISION.
NOW GET IN POSITION.
AND...
ACTION.
YES!
THERE WE GO!
WE GOT IT.
ALRIGHT.
NOW COMPRESS IT.
NORMALIZE IT.
LOOP IT.
GIVE ME ONE MORE SCREAM.
PERFECT.
NOW KEEP IT MOVING.
HOW TO TAKE DIRECTION WHEN NO ONE IS THERE
PRACTICE DAILY UNTIL THE NEXT SHOW
REMEMBER THE NOTES.
STUDY THE FAILURES
TAKE OUT THE SCORE.
CONDUCT YOURSELF.
CHOOSE A LOW NOTE.
CALL IT 1.
4/4 — ♩ = 60
INHALE FOR FOUR.
ENTER ON THE EXHALE,
A HALF-BEAT LATE.
1 — 1
NO.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
AGAIN.
BREATH FIRST.
VOICE AFTER.
1 — ♭3
DON’T JUMP.
SLIDE.
MAKE THE BODY
DRAG THE SOUND THERE.
HOLD ♭3
FOR TWO BEATS.
NO—
YOU RESOLVED.
UGH.
BACK TO 1.
AGAIN.
1 — ♭3 — 4
EACH NOTE SHORTER
THAN THE ONE BEFORE IT.
MORE PRESSURE.
LESS CONTROL.
REPEAT.
1 — ♭3 — 4
DON’T RETURN TO 1.
LET THE BREATH
BREAK 4.
REST FOR ONE BEAT.
ENTER LATE.
♭3 — 4 — 5
NO.
TOO CLEAN.
REMEMBER.
“MAKE A DECISION”
I KNOW.
IT HAS TO BE MORE REAL.
OKAY.
AGAIN.
SLIDE THROUGH 4.
DO NOT LAND ON 5.
THE RHYTHM IS TOO EVEN.
MISS THE DOWNBEAT.
REST — 4 — 4 — 5
CATCH THE SECOND 4
ON THE EXHALE.
THERE.
FUCK.
AGAIN.
4 — 5 — ♭6
SHORTER.
5 — ♭6 — ♭6
HIGHER.
MORE BREATH.
LESS NOTE.
CRESCENDO.
DO NOT ACCELERATE
THE COUNT.
LET THE BODY
ACCELERATE UNDER IT.
4 — 5 — ♭6 — ♭7
HOLD ♭7.
LET IT SHARPEN.
DON’T FIX IT.
LET THE VOICE BREAK
ABOVE THE NOTE.
RETURN ON 1↑.
♭7 — 1↑ — 1↑
AGAIN.
1↑ — 1↑ — ♭3↑
NO—
YOU PLACED THE BREAK.
ALRIGHT.
FINE.
I’LL USE MY HANDS.
START FROM ♭7.
BREATH FIRST.
VOICE LATE.
DO NOT PREPARE IT.
♭7 — 1↑ — ♭3↑
HOLD ♭3↑
UNTIL THE BODY INTERRUPTS IT.
LET IT FALL
PAST 1↑
WITHOUT LANDING.
YES.
AGAIN.
♭7 — 1↑ — 1↑
YES.
1↑ — 1↑ — ♭3↑
YES.
YES.
YES—
♭3↑————
DON’T LET IT RESOLVE.
LET THE BREATH TAKE IT.
THERE
OKAY.
MAYBE ONE MORE TIME
TO BE SURE.
AGAIN.
WAIT—
OH MY GOD.
I DON’T EVEN NEED THE NOTES.
I MEMORIZED IT.
THAT WENT QUICKER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD
FUCK YEAH.
HEY—
YOU GUYS HEARD THAT, RIGHT?
I GUESS WE’LL FIND OUT SOON.
THE WAVEFORM WILL TELL ME
WHO COULD READ THE SCORE.
WAIT.
NO.
SORRY.
MAYBE
I STILL WON’T KNOW.
HOW TO PLEASE:
LOOK YOUR AGE.
ACT THREE YEARS OLDER THAN YOU ARE.
SEEM TWO YEARS DUMBER THAN YOUR BRAIN.
LEARN WHO HAS THE POWER.
LEARN WHAT MAKES THEM FEEL LIKE THEY DO.
USE THE DIFFERENCE.
GOOD.
NOW,
BACK TO BUSINESS.
DON’T LOSE FOCUS.
GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES.
LOOK UP.
MAKE YOUR EYES SMILE.
PAUSE.
WAIT UNTIL THEY NOTICE.
SLOWER.
A LITTLE SLOWER.
NOT THAT SLOW.
OKAY.
NOW FASTER.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
OPEN THEM AGAIN.
CHECK THEIR REACTION.
ADJUST ACCORDINGLY.
DON’T BE SO BORING.
USE SOMETHING OTHER THAN YOUR TONGUE.
IT’S NOT JUST WHAT’S IN FRONT.
LOOK DOWN.
NOW LOOK UP.
SEE?
THERE’S MORE TO IT.
BETTER SUPPORT THE EGO.
THE FANTASY.
THE STORY.
COME ON NOW.
KEEP UP.
BETTER LEARN TO MULTITASK.
AND QUICKLY.
CHECK THEIR REACTION AGAIN.
ALRIGHT.
CLEARLY, YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO GO FURTHER.
BUT,
BEFORE YOU DO,
ASK YOURSELF.
HONEY?
ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?
THAT CAN WAIT.
LOOK RELAXED.
LOOK ENTHUSIASTIC.
LOOK LIKE YOU AREN'T THINKING ABOUT IT.
WHEN THEY FINISH,
SWALLOW.
DON'T MAKE THAT FACE.
YOU LOVE THE TASTE.
SMILE.
WITH YOUR EYES AND YOUR MOUTH.
PRACTICE UNTIL IT FEELS NATURAL.
CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU’VE NOW BECOME YOURSELF.
HOW TO TAKE THE LEAD:
KEEP YOUR NAILS SHORT.
KEEP YOUR HANDS CLEAN.
LEAVE THE CALLUSES.
CLEAN ENOUGH TO BE LET INTO BED.
ROUGH ENOUGH TO LOOK LIKE YOU KNOW HOW TO WORK.
PUT YOUR HAND ON HER.
FIRMLY.
DO NOT HOLD HER DOWN.
LET HER TAKE YOUR WRIST.
LET HER MOVE YOU.
FOLLOW.
TELL HER WHAT TO DO.
LISTEN.
SHE SHOULD BE SCREAMING.
NO.
NO.
NO.
SHE SHOULD BE BREATHING.
LISTEN.
DO NOT TRUST THE SOUND.
IT’S THE FIRST THING PEOPLE LEARN TO MANUFACTURE.
WATCH HER HANDS.
WATCH HER STOMACH.
WATCH WHAT CHANGES WHEN YOU STOP.
KNOW WHAT SHE CAME LOOKING FOR.
DANGER?
HOME?
FREEDOM?
REASSURANCE?
LOVE?
OR JUST A GOOD FUCK?
KNOW WHICH ONE SHE SEES IN YOU.
BECOME THAT ONE.
DON’T LET THE OTHERS GO.
HOLD THE REST IN A FIST.
TIGHT.
BEHIND YOUR BACK.
I KNOW IT’S A LOT TO ASK.
BUT COME ON.
KEEP TIME.
BETTER NOT LET IT AFFECT YOUR PERFORMANCE.
YOU SHOULD ONLY NEED ONE ARM TO HOLD YOU UP.
SERIOUSLY.
BE A MAN.
BALANCE YOUR WEIGHT.
AND HERS.
DON’T LET ANYONE SEE YOU WOBBLE.
HEY.
CLAP. CLAP.
PAY ATTENTION.
TOO MUCH THINKING IS NO GOOD.
CHANGE IT UP.
WHEN HER BODY TIGHTENS—
DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING.
THIS IS WHERE INEXPERIENCED HANDS ARE REVEALED.
IF SHE ASKS FOR HARDER,
USE MORE PRESSURE.
NOT MORE SPEED.
DON’T ASK QUESTIONS.
KNOW WHAT SHE MEANS.
WHEN SHE GETS CLOSE,
STAY.
PATIENCE.
LET HER HAND LEAVE YOUR WRIST
WHEN SHE NO LONGER NEEDS IT THERE.
MAKE YOURSELF NECESSARY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU’VE NOW BECOME IRREPLACEABLE.
HOW TO PERFORM INEXPERIENCE:
PICK UP THE HAMMER.
PUT IT DOWN.
STARE AT IT LIKE AN IDIOT.
WAIT.
NOW THAT YOU HAVE HIS ATTENTION,
ASK HIM HOW TO USE IT.
YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.
ASK ANYWAY.
LET HIM HOLD THE NAIL.
LET HIM SHOW YOU.
LOOK INTERESTED.
LOOK IMPRESSED.
ASK A FOLLOW-UP QUESTION.
NOT TOO COMPLICATED.
DO IT WRONG.
LET HIM CORRECT YOU.
THANK HIM.
NOW DO IT YOURSELF.
*THE INSTRUCTIONS ABOVE CAN ALSO BE FOUND UNDER HOW TO GIVE A HANDJOB.*
LET HIM FEEL HELPFUL.
LET HIM FEEL NECESSARY.
DON’T SEEM TOO COMPETENT.
DON’T SEEM INCOMPETENT.
SMILE.
NOT THAT SMILE.
THE OTHER ONE.
PRACTICE UNTIL IT FEELS NATURAL.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'VE NOW BECOME AN IDIOT.
HOW TO FIT INTO AN OLD COSTUME:
CHILD.
YOU CAN KEEP PLAYING DRESS-UP.
BUT I MUST WARN YOU.
SOON THERE WILL BE NO ONE LEFT TO BECOME.
THE OTHER CHILDREN HAVE ONLY JUST BEGUN.
AND THE CIRCUS WON’T TAKE YOU.
YOU’RE FAR TOO YOUNG.
I’M SORRY, DARLING.
I KNOW YOU LOVE THE NIGHT.
BUT YOU LOOK SO LOVELY IN WHITE.
SO RUN ALONG.
FIND YOUR CLASSMATES.
PERHAPS A SLEEPOVER?
THEY DON’T WANT YOU?
WELL IT MUST BE THOSE DARKENED EYES.
I’M SORRY, DARLING.
THERE’S NOTHING LEFT TO SAY.
YOU’LL HAVE TO START AGAIN.
WIPE YOUR EYES.
WASH YOUR MOUTH.
PUT ON THE DRESS.
AND GET OUT.
I’VE EARNED THE RIGHT TO REST.
BUT YOU—YOU
GO.
NOW.
GO TRY PLAYING WITH BUTTERFLIES.
YOU WOULDN’T WANT TO END UP LONELY, WOULD YOU?
THERE IS SOMETHING UNCANNY ABOUT SITTING IN THE BACK OF YOUR MOTHER'S MINIVAN WITH YOUR BEST FRIENDS ON A MONDAY MORNING.
SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO SONGS YOU DON’T YET UNDERSTAND.
WAITING FOR THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CARPOOL LINE TO MOVE.
SOMEHOW WE COULD FEEL IT EVEN THEN.
THE ENERGY.
THE ANTICIPATION.
THE EXCITEMENT.
WE KNEW IT FELT THRILLING.
WE JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHY.
WE SANG EVERY WORD.
THE CARPOOL LINE MOVED FORWARD.
THE BELL RANG.
EVEN NOW, WHEN I HEAR THOSE SONGS,
I FEEL A SMALL FLUTTER IN MY STOMACH JUST AS I DID THEN.
I UNDERSTAND THEM NOW.
SOMEHOW THE BUTTERFLIES DID TOO.
MEMORIZE THE INSTRUCTIONS.
SCREAM THEM DAILY.
UNDERSTAND THEM AFTER.
BECOME THEM LATER.
I DON'T REMEMBER THE EXACT MOMENT A ROCKET POP STOPPED BEING JUST A ROCKET POP.
I ONLY KNOW THAT ONE DAY IT WAS A POPSICLE.
AND ANOTHER DAY IT WAS NOT.
IT HAPPENS TO ALL OF US.
ONE DAY OR ANOTHER.
SOME SUNNY AFTERNOON LYING IN THE GRASS.
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN CHILDHOOD AND WHATEVER COMES NEXT.
THE MEANING ARRIVES.
THE OBJECT REMAINS THE SAME.
BUT IT BECOMES DIFFICULT TO SEE ANYTHING ELSE.
I WAS BABYSITTING MY COUSIN AFTER SCHOOL ONE AFTERNOON.
SHE SHOWED ME A RED RING POP THAT A BOY ON THE PLAYGROUND HAD GIVEN HER THAT DAY.
SHE ASKED ME IF I HAD A BOYFRIEND.
HIS NAME.
IF SHE COULD SEE A PICTURE.
IF I THOUGHT WE WOULD GET MARRIED SOMEDAY.
I WASN’T SURE IF IT WAS THE THOUGHT OF MARRIAGE OR THE GUY IN THE PICTURE BUT,
MY STOMACH TURNED.
A LOT LESS LIKE BUTTERFLIES.
MORE LIKE VOMIT.
SHE WAITED FOR MY ANSWER.
I GOT UP TO MAKE HER A TURKEY SANDWHICH.
SHE GOT HER SANDWITCH.
SHE NEVER GOT HER ANSWER.
WE LISTENED.
WE WATCHED.
WE TOOK NOTES.
YOU THOUGHT WE WERE TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND.
WE WERE.
THAT DIDN’T STOP US.
ADULTS ARGUE.
CHILDREN IMITATE.
REPEAT.
PRACTICE.
MEMORIZE.
SOMETIMES INCORRECTLY.
YOU WERE FIGHTING BUT WE DIDN’T REALIZE.
YOU SAID FUCK YOU.
WE HEARD FUCK ME.
MAYBE YOU WERE TIRED.
CELEBRATED YOUR VICTORIES TOO LONG?
BUT WHEN IT WAS OUR TURN,
ALL THAT REMAINED WERE THE INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE AFTERPARTY.
ON ONE OF MY FIRST NIGHTS IN DC,
I SAT SHIVERING AT LINCOLN'S FEET UNTIL SUNRISE.
STARING ACROSS THE REFLECTING POOL AT THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT.
GLOWING WHITE STONE EXTENDING TALL, ANGULAR, AND SHARP INTO THE BLACK SKY.
WAITING FOR THE BLACK HOLES IN MY EYES TO RETURN TO A NORMAL SIZE.
AS THE BIRDS BEGAN TO SING, CHILDREN ARRIVED WITH THEIR PARENTS.
LITTLE GIRLS IN WHITE DRESSES.
LITTLE BOYS IN TUXEDOS.
FAMILIES TAKING WEDDING PHOTOS IN THE MORNING SUN.
LAUGHING.
PLAYING.
I BEGAN TO CRY.
THE CHILDREN MADE ME SMILE.
I WALKED TOWARD A LITTLE GIRL WITH BROWN HAIR.
I HELD OUT A WHITE FLOWER I HAD PICKED EARLIER.
HER MOTHER LOOKED AT ME.
GRABBED HER DAUGHTER'S HAND.
AND LED HER AWAY.
I STOOD THERE HOLDING THE FLOWER FOR A MOMENT.
THEN I WALKED AWAY.
ON THE WAY I STOPPED AT 7-ELEVEN AND BOUGHT A BOX OF CRAYONS.
WHEN I GOT BACK TO MY ROOM I TOOK OFF THE COSTUME.
WIPED AWAY THE BLACK UNDER MY EYES,
THE RED ON MY LIPS.
GOT IN THE SHOWER.
PUT ON PAJAMAS.
PUT THE FLOWER IN A VASE.
FILLED IT WITH WATER.
SAT ON THE FLOOR.
AND TRIED TO DRAW.
WHEN I WAS A CHILD MY FAVORITE COLOR WAS BLUE.
I THOUGHT I WOULD START THERE.
I PICKED UP THE BLUE CRAYON.
USED TOO MUCH PRESSURE.
IT SNAPPED.
I STARED AT THE BROKEN PIECES ON THE WHITE PAPER.
THE UNFINISHED BLUE LINE.
THREW THE BOX AND THE VASE ACROSS THE ROOM.
GLASS,
AND BROKEN CRAYONS SCATTERED ACROSS THE FLOOR.
I RAN TO THE BATHROOM.
STARED INTO THE MIRROR.
INTO MY TIRED EYES.
SEARCHED FOR SOMEONE.
FOUND NO ONE.
OPENED A DRAWER.
TOOK WHAT I NEEDED.
SLID DOWN THE WALL.
WAITED FOR IT TO HIT ME.
FOLLOWED INSTRUCTIONS.
SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT HER NOW.
WHAT SHE’S LEARNED.
IF HER MOTHER EVER KNEW.
IF SHE STILL PLAYS WITH BUTTERFLIES.
WHO SHE LOVES.
IF SHE'S BEGUN.
CAN TENDERNESS EXIST IN FREEDOM?
WILL I ALWAYS BRING MY KNIVES WITH ME?
CAN I ENJOY IT WITHOUT THEM?
IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE QUIET WITHOUT GETTING BORED?